Val Mullally - Parenting Coach
We would like to welcome Val Mullally to the Meetmums blog.
Val is passionate about Parenting. As a trainer in a Coaching Approach to Parenting, she has worked with various professionals including: counsellors, psychotherapists, mediators play therapists, midwives, educators, social workers, and health visitors, as well as parents, to create more enjoyable and fulfilling family life.
We hope this is just the beginning of a long collaboration with Val. If you have any questions related to this article or would like to ask Val to share any helpful insights or practical tips, leave a comment after the post.
‘No!’ Arms folded across his little chest. Lip protruding. Your child is looking at you defiantly and battle is about to commence.
What happened to that cute, easy-going baby?
It’s easy for parents to have panicky thoughts when toddlers and pre-schoolers resist. And all sorts of thoughts can race through our heads:
‘If he’s like this now, how will I ever cope when he’s a teenager?’
‘How dare he talk back to me like that!’
’He’s just trying to make my life miserable.’
‘I can’t let him get away with this’
Here’s the good news:
He’s not trying to get at you, make your life miserable or be impossible. He’s just moving into a new developmental stage.
As much as you loved that cuddly little baby, you know that he needs to grow up. You wouldn’t want him as an adult still reliant on you to feed him, change him and meet his every need.
Our children are pre-programmed to grow up. Well, we KNOW this – but we forget that this means they will be emotionally growing and stretching as well as physically. As one Mum said, ‘I was just beginning to get comfortable with how to cope with being the parent of a baby when the rug was pulled out from under my feet.’
If we have a sense of children’s developmental stages, and what’s most probably round the corner, we’ll be better equipped to parent helpfully.
I’ll share some guide posts and then some practical ‘how to move from survive to thrive’ tips.
Helpful Guide Posts:
- Take time to reflect: ‘What am I trying to achieve in my parenting?’ When my children were young, I think I often parented in way that was unhelpful for my kids because I thought it was my job to raise ‘compliant’ children – obedient kids who would do what they were told. I wish I’d had someone to help me recognise that it’s far more important to raise competent children. Children who are connected to what matters to them and who have also learnt to be open and sensitive to other people’s needs. (Study shows that the generation of children who marched headlong into the senseless battle of WW2 were raised on ‘Do as you’re told.’) If we want to create a happier, healthier world we need to raise a generation who are connected to their own experience as well as responsive to others.
- All conflict is a protest at the disconnection. Imagine you’re in a hurry and you’re insisting on putting his coat on. When he protests he’s trying to let you know that somehow this isn’t working for him. At this stage of his development he is needing to explore his world and develop his skills. He’s letting you know that he is experiencing that his connection with himself is being threatened (his ‘internal programming’ is telling him he now needs to do things for himself). Or else he’s feeling disconnected from you that you’re not ‘getting’ what he’s trying to ask you. Instead of trying to force your agenda with your child, try asking yourself, ‘What could I do differently that would be more helpful?’
- Children DO want to cooperate. Actually his protest is a HEALTHY sign. He knows his relationship with you is safe enough to let you know he needs something different now. And it also means his pre-programmed internal clock that is preparing him for eventual independence is working exactly as it should!
- Children are not mini–adults. Their brains are still under construction and so they do not think, reason or follow the same agenda as you do. In ‘The Whole Brain Child’, Siegel and Payne Bryson compare the young child’s brain to a house under construction. The ‘downstairs’, where emotions are experienced, is pretty much complete. But ‘upstairs’ – the ‘reasoning’ department – is still in the building process. We say things like, ‘Be reasonable.’ But actually the three or four year old’s reasoning department is still under construction. And particularly at times when he is under stress, he’s not going to do very well in the logic and consequences department.
- You’re the one responsible for the emotional temperature in the home. Think of yourself as a thermostat regulating the family calm. If you choose to respond calmly he’s more likely to be responsive.
So what helps?
- Plan ahead and build in enough time to move at his pace, so it’s easier for you to avoid becoming stressed.
- Recognise that he’s doing the best he can right now, then it’ll be easier to be calm and give him the support he needs.
- If your stress level starts rising, focus on calming yourself. (Try breathing in while counting up to 7 and breathing out while counting on from 8 to 11).
- Where possible give him choices so he has some sense of control. (‘Would you like Weetabix or porridge for breakfast?’)
- Take time to coach him into doing basic tasks for himself, like putting on his coat and doing up his buttons. (Being able to ‘do it myself’ builds a child’s confidence and often overcomes potential frustration ‘hot-spots’ between you. It also means he’s better equipped when it comes to going to pre-school or other situations where you won’t be there all the time to do things for him.)
- Focus on finding creative solutions that will him keep connected with his own needs as well as yours. E.g. you need to go to the shop, he doesn’t want to go. Rather than focus on persuading him to go along with your need, think about what could make the trip attractive for him. E.g. ‘Let’s walk to the shop and see if that digger lorry is still working at the corner.’
Every parent can become overwhelmed and lose the cool at times. Children are wonderfully forgiving when we say sorry but often we focus on the hiccups in our relationship with our kids, rather than reflecting on all the good times we have together. Notice what IS working. This is where we’ll find the clues to creating the happy and enjoyable family relationship we want.
Val Mullally MA is founder and CEO of Koemba, offering training and resources for a coaching approach to Parenting.
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